ARIES
LIBERAL: Your support for universal coverage will wane after attending a Middle Eastern “universal coverage” party.
CONSERVATIVE: Your support for universal coverage will bloom after you see all the hot burkas at your Middle Eastern “universal coverage” party.
TAURUS
LIBERAL: You will purge the memories of your chubby past along with all that turkey and stuffing you will purge after your Thanksgiving dinner.
CONSERVATIVE: Your plan to deep fry your turkey to entice more people to come to your normally lonely Thanksgiving dinner will not result in any more guests, just diabetes.
GEMINI
LIBERAL: Masturbating for you will always be a public option.
CONSERVATIVE: You are vehemently against the public option and anything else that rhymes with “gay adoption.”
CANCER
LIBERAL: Who makes a better deputy sheriff, Steven Seagal or Shaq? Ha, silly action stars and sports figures are of no interest to you—you don’t even own a TV! But… Seagal, hands down.
CONSERVATIVE: Who makes a better deputy sheriff, Steven Seagal or Shaq? Well, Steven Seagal is some sort of Asian martial arts mystic. So probably Shaq.
LEO
LIBERAL: Watching Where the Wild Things Are in theaters will remind you of reading the book in bed as a child. To yourself, because your parents didn’t love you enough to read to you.
CONSERVATIVE: You will see an opportunity and get a trembling BJ while watching Paranormal Activity. She was crying too!
VIRGO
LIBERAL: You will see This is It, but the cliffhanger ending will give you a sinking feeling that this definitely is not it.
CONSERVATIVE: You will walk out of This is It the moment you find out it stars a black. That moment will come somewhere around the 70th minute.
LIBRA
LIBERAL: You will not be surprised to find a study claiming bad driving may be genetic. You have almost as many DUIs as your parents.
CONSERVATIVE: You will be assured of the legitimacy of a new study which claims bad driving may be genetic, when you find out it comes from UCI. Not because it’s a fine research institution, but because the sample subjects were probably UCI students.
SCORPIO
LIBERAL: With the Dodgers and Angels out of the World Series, it’s time to shift back your focus to what’s important: DJ Hero.
CONSERVATIVE: With the World Series, college football, and the start of the new NBA season, you will lament your twelve year dedication to bocce ball.
SAGITTARIUS
LIBERAL: You will find it hard to relate to the NBC comedy Community. Not because the characters are delinquents, but because of their diversity.
CONSERVATIVE: As a transfer student, you will be amused by the new NBC comedy, Community. You will yearn for your community college days the next time you take Janss Steps to avoid the lively Israel vs. Palestine debate raging on Bruin Walk.
CAPRICORN
LIBERAL: You will be shocked to hear about Andre Agassi’s meth usage. Steroid abuse in athletics is understandable, but meth! Where the hell are you gonna be able to score some meth?
CONSERVATIVE: You will be shocked to hear that Andre Agassi’s mullet fro was actually a wig! There is hope for you yet!
AQUARIUS
LIBERAL: You will lament your failed Halloween costume idea. Blackface should be okay if your going as President Obama, right? Next year you’ll paint your face yellow and be Jon Gosselin.
CONSERVATIVE: Turns out being “future generations dealing with the national debt” for Halloween was not a great idea. Next year you will get your costume idea from Glenn Beck. Ann Coulter is just too real for the mainstream.
PISCES
LIBERAL: Swine flu season is here. Next time you’re getting hot and heavy with your lover, remember, elbows are not only great erogenous zones, they’re also great reservoirs for phlegm.
CONSERVATIVE: Swine flu season is here. Finally, a legitimate excuse to hide in your room and be antisocial. Fuck summer.
Horoscopes divined by Andrew Hilbert and Mark Stefanos